I never had confidence in Elementary school,
I didn't think people liked me
My emotions always got me into trouble
My over exuberance was frowned upon: my laugh once got me kicked out of "sharing time"
People never understood me, my hand writing skills and my other disabilities made me feel outcast
What I did have? Drama Club, there I was comfortable, but not before I had cried and ran away from an audition, and even there I felt tormented and haunted by being "different"

I never had confidence in Junior High School
My style was mocked, and just because I could be I was picked on
People ganged up against me simply because I was an easy target
I could possibly understand the friends I had because I had always felt an outcast
I never had trust because I couldn't believe people would bother with telling me the truth
I was never invited to parties, rarely asked to hang out, barely treated with respect
Until it came to the theatre
Directors and fellow actors respected me because I was able to hide behind a character
And my crowing achievement was shedding tears on stage, not only because the character was devastated by his situation, but also because I knew how alone I was
The few relationships I had ended badly, filled with lies, and glaring looks
I never felt young teenage love in those days, taking confidence in the small circle of friends I had

I gained some confidence in High School
I made many good friends, but still in the shadow of my dear brother
a shadow I damaged, a shadow I should have embraced, but I denigrated because I knew I would fit in if I did
When my brother needed me to stand up for him, I didn't. For that I will never forgive myself
Theatre and music was all I had back then, and there my heart was filled
But love was rare and scarce for someone like me
Relationships came and went because I was never good enough for them
Because I felt so down-trotted and passed over, I never gained the confidence to ask girls to a dance
A relationship that might have been, squelched by my own foolish hang-ups
And an excuse of standing me up on prom night left me alone and and in tears from self loathing
I was a novelty, a joke, a fool in that place
Where was I comfortable? hiding behind masks and hats
smiling on the outside, hating what I was on the outside

I gave up on trying to be anything but who I am in college
and there I am respected
People care for who I am and what I do
Love is a foreign idea that I have all but given up on
relationships are unrealistic and when told to "be myself" that's a foolish suggestion, for who I am is not good enough
For I feel the fool, I feel the Jester, I feel the joke of the group
Kept around as a novelty, kept around as a reflection of the extreme
Is that respect? Perhaps in that I am wrong, but I can't help but feel when backs are turned, they all laugh at the idea of the man in the black hat

Days like these weigh heavy on my shoulders and my heart
and all I have to express my feelings and poor out my emotions is my poetry, my music, and my theatre
I never thought I would share how I really feel
But I just wanted to pour out a little of my bursting heart that usually only drains through salty tears from the eyes that see this world that is laughing at Pagliacci
Perhaps maybe now you'll understand why I frown more than I smile
Perhaps now you'll see the real me...